Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
