Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
