They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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