Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
