I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
