this beer tastes like vomit already
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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