I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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