I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
