I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
