so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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