So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
