my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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