why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
