11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
