conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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