so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
