You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
