I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
