She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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