if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
