My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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