I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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