I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
