I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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