my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
