Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
