Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
