theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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