um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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