He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
