I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
