Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
