do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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