you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
