idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
