You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
