I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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