If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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