He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
