I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
