i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
foreskin is a definite game changer
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
