When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
