At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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