I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
