I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
