HIV tests are more positive than that guy
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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