My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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