i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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