Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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