so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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