Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
