I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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