shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
